Just finished watching this old movie starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from 2008 called Baby Mama during my me time. Really enjoyed it. Funny, unchallenging but not banal either. After the movie finished, I googled the actors…one thing led to another I fell into a rabbit hole and ended up reading about celebrity twins.
Which got me to think about my own twins. So I fired up Google Photo and scrolled and scrolled all the way back to 2016 to have a look at their pictures. And looking at them, eerily the girl looked so much like Lily. I started crying, feeling incredibly shitty and guilty. Funny that just a few hours ago as I stared lovingly at Lily’s face I told Gareth I am thankful for the twins because without them we would not have her. Well, I do believe that but still doesn’t make it feel any less shiteous.
I haven’t felt this intense grief in many months. I’ve even forgotten how it felt to be sad like this. But tonight it’s hitting me like a tonne of bricks. An anxiety over a hollowness I can’t fill. Like I can’t breathe normally. I just want to be asleep and not feel anything.
Life goes on.